Wet Paint is Saving my Life Again

In April of 2004 my dad committed suicide.  He was 65 years old and in chronic pain from back problems and a failed back surgery six years prior.  He also had severe tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and had a heart doctor appointment scheduled for the week he died.  Needless to say he was depressed but we had no idea how depressed until it was too late.

I have journaled most of my adult life and have notebooks full of words.  My words, however, left me just as my dad did.  I could not write my way through that traumatic experience.  I got one paragraph written in a new notebook and quit.  The few words I had dried up fast and then there was nothing.

I was in trouble; up a creek without a paddle as they say.  I had no tools to deal with my dad taking his own life.  Skills I had learned over the years to cope with other issues and other depressions failed me.  Nothing worked.  I was desperate.  I thought...I'll try art.

Part of me of course scoffed.  Art!  You're no artist.  You haven't drawn anything since junior high art class!  But again, I was desperate.  I heard about a woman in her 80's who taught art classes in our small town and she only charged $5 per class.  I signed up.  I went.   

The first week she had me drawing still life (fruit and bowls) and I did better than I thought I would.  But it was too safe, too contained and too restrained.  I needed to throw some paint around, to work with a medium that would flow because I was anything but flowing.  My creek was damned up but good and drawing was not going to cut it.

So I must have asked or something; I really don't remember now how it happened.  Next thing I know I am trying acrylics.  Here is a sample and it shows where I was emotionally. 

It is titled Trauma.  I'm sure you remember 2004 is also when the Asian Tsunami occurred.  The orange lines to the far left are similar to a palm tree and the golds on the bottom represent sand.  The blue and teal areas depict the water that ravaged the land and people. 

You can't really see it well but in the bottom right corner there are two vertical rectangles that I later called the twin towers.  And as you can see, the painting just got darker as I went to the right.  The darkness and despair of trauma I guess.

Please know I did not paint any of these symbols consciously.  Most of the areas where I applied color are textured because I applied a thick layer of gesso (an acrylic medium) first and drew lines in it before it dried with the end of my paint brush.  The interpretation and realization of all these traumas only came to me as I added paint.

Trauma may not make it to any museum wall, but it is certainly significant for me.  It gave voice to emotions, fears, and experiences no words could express.  And I felt a little better too!  Even a drop in the bucket worth of improvement was better than the deep, unrelenting despair I had felt up to that point.

Just so you know, part of why I included this painting in the post is so you can see it is okay to make bad art!  I was no artist and I'm still not sure I can call myself an artist.  It doesn't matter.

The goal isn't to paint museum quality art.  The goal is to play with paint and/or any other creative material you may choose.  The goal is to play and heal; one stroke, one stitch, one moment, one day at a time.   

This painting was a turning point.  I didn't know it at the time, but I would soon realize that playing with paint was a lifeline for me and I played for a couple of years.  Now I need it again.

This time I am going to document my journey.  I believe painting and creating will again save me.  So when I am depressed I will apply wet paint and I will be healed.  Maybe not overnight, but it doesn't matter.  Nothing heals deep depression that quickly.

I would like to invite you to join me in on my journey.  Go to Hobby Lobby or wherever you can buy craft paint (its cheaper if you're just experimenting) or buy the good stuff.  Its up to you.  Or start any craft, creative venture you desire.  Just start.  Let's heal together. 

And when depressed...apply wet paint!